Oh precious baby of mine, if I could only keep you little.
We had just come home from our lunch date and you didn’t fall asleep in the car like you normally do. I thought maybe you weren’t actually tired but it was your normal nap time so I figured I’d try and get you to sleep anyway. We walked into your room to go through our normal “go to sleep” routine. You were a little fussy because you didn’t really want to go to sleep. I gave you your paci and you immediately laid your sweet little head down on my chest. We sat down in your rocker, just like we always do, and I read you a book. You sat there as we rocked with big sleepy eyes and your head against my chest. You weren’t asleep. You were just staring at me.
I rocked and rocked and rocked, thinking over and over I just want to keep you little. I knew if I laid you down you would fall right to sleep but I didn’t want to let go of you.
If only I could keep you little
It will be just a short matter of time before you’ll be too big to be rocked to sleep.
You’ll be gone to school and we won’t get to spend all day together playing and laughing.
You’ll want to play outside with your friends instead of playing with Mommy.
And then all of a sudden you’ll be a teenager and you won’t want to be seen with me.
I’ll be embarrassing to you and you’ll tell me to go away.
You may even tell me you hate me. I know you won’t mean it but it will hurt just as bad.
If I could only keep you little I could keep you safe.
We could play all day.
I could hold you like this every day.
You would never lose this sweet innocence of yours.
I could keep you from getting hurt.
I could give you everything you ever needed.
I could keep your heart from breaking.
But if I kept you little I would miss all the new things you will learn. You learn new things every day. You are already so smart.
I would miss the funny things you will say when you learn to talk in sentences.
I would miss your first dance recital.
I would miss you making friends who like you for you.
I would miss giving you your first make-over.
I would miss getting mani-pedi’s together.
You would never get to learn from your own mistakes.
I would miss you learning to drive.
I would miss how beautiful you will look all dressed up for prom.
I would miss you dating.
I would miss shopping for a wedding dress together.
I would miss you looking like an angel as your Daddy walks you down the aisle.
I would miss you starting your own family.
I would miss you making a life for yourself and growing into the person you are meant to be.
In this moment though, I am just going to hold you.
I’m going to rock you to sleep and listen to you breathe.
Because in this moment, you are little.